Introduction
Hello,
My name is Sam, welcome to my blog. :)
Im a 23 year old woman, living in County Durham, England. I have suffered with anxiety and depression for many years now, getting worse and seriously affecting my life from the age of 16 onwards.
I recently moved back into my parents' house as I felt too scared to live on my own any longer.
At the moment, I have really bad days when I cannot even bring myself to go downstairs to spend time with my parents, and sometimes I feel I cannot open my bedroom blinds.
After a good long chat with my Fiancé, I have come to the conclusion that a lot of my anxiety issues stem from my childhood. Now I know why psychiatrists ask so many questions about your childhood.
When I was little, my Mum and Dad used to say things to me like 'stop doing that, everyone's staring at you' and even 'just think of what you look like, think what other people see when they look at you'. These type of things really stick in your mind years later.
My dad used to bully me throughout my childhood too. Picking on me because of my weight, never allowed any toys because he doesn't like noise, I had to be alone and silent in my room reading books. As if he didn't want me to be there. Even to this day i wonder if he really wanted me in the first place. Hollowing thought.
His sister, My auntie, the closest thing I had to a grandparent, even she used to bully me. (My grandparents all passed away before I was born) She used to hit me for the simplest things such as laughing too loud with my cousins. I remember once I was sick early one school morning, she got angry with me because she now had to change the sheets. She rubbed my face in the sick, it even got into my eyes and that HURT! I had to 'wash my face, get dressed and get my fat lazy carcass to school'.
There are thousands of stories I could tell about them both, but I will mention some over time in the blog.
I was bullied a great deal throughout my school years, causing me to literally walk out of school. I was lucky to get any GCSE's! I was always a little overweight, and of course this was ammunition for the bullies. People used to make up sick twisted lies and say I had told them whatever it was... Stupid really but I am very sensitive and it hurt me. My grades dropped with my attendance, got kicked out of GCSE lessons and was on the road to finishing school with only 3 GCSE's. WAY below the national standard. My teachers knew I was better than that, I knew I was better than that. Luckily my school organized a programme for under achievers to participate in, to boost their qualifications at the end of school, called a GNVQ programme in ICT. This is the equivalent of 5 GCSE's.
So in the last year, after the bullies had left school, I really got my head down, knuckled in and finally left in 2007 with two English GCSE's grade C, Maths GCSE grade D even after doing only 1 paper, Science GCSE grade C and a merit pass on my GNVQ course. This was a great moment in my life as I felt I really proved myself, and doing a great big 'f*ck you' to the bullies.
MY AIM FOR THIS BLOG
My aim is to help other people who also suffer anxiety and depression. I know myself it would be nice to be able to see into a fellow sufferers' thoughts and to know I am not alone in it. I do not have this but this blog is a 'vent' for me to let it all out and maybe help someone else too. Whether that be a sufferer or a professional searching for an insight.
This quote means a lot to me: "I'm not saying I'm gonna change the world, but I guarantee that I will spark the brain that will change the world"
I want to be the one that helps fellow sufferers, to spark them the key to their depression and anxiety, and to unlock and foresee their path back onto the path they belong on.
I have worked out my key, and I am currently planning my path back to normal life, where freedom comes everyday as I walk out the door carefree, when I can hold my head high and look my enemies in the eye and smile. To hold my head high and feel like I am soaring high in a sun filled sky like a beautiful bird.
I believe having a focus and a comfort really helps. My comfort is my Fiancé, without him I would have no one that understands what I am going through, no one to really support me through the hardest times, no one to cuddle me or to wipe the tears away. My focus is obviously my wedding, no one wants to feel anything but bliss on their wedding day! That day is far in the distance at the moment, so I currently focus on watching and going to football matches, watching Formula1, Darts, Xfactor, anything to get lost into. Even reading really helps. It may seem like you are burying your head into a fantasy world or ignoring reality but it does help to take your mind away from it. I feel it releases stress.
If you can find your key and comfort, plan your path ahead and I can assure you, you will find your way back to a happy life.
You may get a giggle from me at times as I have been known to make people laugh, I come out with very random things and it seems to get the odd laugh.
Please feel free to contact me, you are more than welcome.
Sam :) xx
My name is Sam, welcome to my blog. :)
Im a 23 year old woman, living in County Durham, England. I have suffered with anxiety and depression for many years now, getting worse and seriously affecting my life from the age of 16 onwards.
I recently moved back into my parents' house as I felt too scared to live on my own any longer.
At the moment, I have really bad days when I cannot even bring myself to go downstairs to spend time with my parents, and sometimes I feel I cannot open my bedroom blinds.
After a good long chat with my Fiancé, I have come to the conclusion that a lot of my anxiety issues stem from my childhood. Now I know why psychiatrists ask so many questions about your childhood.
When I was little, my Mum and Dad used to say things to me like 'stop doing that, everyone's staring at you' and even 'just think of what you look like, think what other people see when they look at you'. These type of things really stick in your mind years later.
My dad used to bully me throughout my childhood too. Picking on me because of my weight, never allowed any toys because he doesn't like noise, I had to be alone and silent in my room reading books. As if he didn't want me to be there. Even to this day i wonder if he really wanted me in the first place. Hollowing thought.
His sister, My auntie, the closest thing I had to a grandparent, even she used to bully me. (My grandparents all passed away before I was born) She used to hit me for the simplest things such as laughing too loud with my cousins. I remember once I was sick early one school morning, she got angry with me because she now had to change the sheets. She rubbed my face in the sick, it even got into my eyes and that HURT! I had to 'wash my face, get dressed and get my fat lazy carcass to school'.
There are thousands of stories I could tell about them both, but I will mention some over time in the blog.
I was bullied a great deal throughout my school years, causing me to literally walk out of school. I was lucky to get any GCSE's! I was always a little overweight, and of course this was ammunition for the bullies. People used to make up sick twisted lies and say I had told them whatever it was... Stupid really but I am very sensitive and it hurt me. My grades dropped with my attendance, got kicked out of GCSE lessons and was on the road to finishing school with only 3 GCSE's. WAY below the national standard. My teachers knew I was better than that, I knew I was better than that. Luckily my school organized a programme for under achievers to participate in, to boost their qualifications at the end of school, called a GNVQ programme in ICT. This is the equivalent of 5 GCSE's.
So in the last year, after the bullies had left school, I really got my head down, knuckled in and finally left in 2007 with two English GCSE's grade C, Maths GCSE grade D even after doing only 1 paper, Science GCSE grade C and a merit pass on my GNVQ course. This was a great moment in my life as I felt I really proved myself, and doing a great big 'f*ck you' to the bullies.
MY AIM FOR THIS BLOG
My aim is to help other people who also suffer anxiety and depression. I know myself it would be nice to be able to see into a fellow sufferers' thoughts and to know I am not alone in it. I do not have this but this blog is a 'vent' for me to let it all out and maybe help someone else too. Whether that be a sufferer or a professional searching for an insight.
This quote means a lot to me: "I'm not saying I'm gonna change the world, but I guarantee that I will spark the brain that will change the world"
I want to be the one that helps fellow sufferers, to spark them the key to their depression and anxiety, and to unlock and foresee their path back onto the path they belong on.
I have worked out my key, and I am currently planning my path back to normal life, where freedom comes everyday as I walk out the door carefree, when I can hold my head high and look my enemies in the eye and smile. To hold my head high and feel like I am soaring high in a sun filled sky like a beautiful bird.
I believe having a focus and a comfort really helps. My comfort is my Fiancé, without him I would have no one that understands what I am going through, no one to really support me through the hardest times, no one to cuddle me or to wipe the tears away. My focus is obviously my wedding, no one wants to feel anything but bliss on their wedding day! That day is far in the distance at the moment, so I currently focus on watching and going to football matches, watching Formula1, Darts, Xfactor, anything to get lost into. Even reading really helps. It may seem like you are burying your head into a fantasy world or ignoring reality but it does help to take your mind away from it. I feel it releases stress.
If you can find your key and comfort, plan your path ahead and I can assure you, you will find your way back to a happy life.
You may get a giggle from me at times as I have been known to make people laugh, I come out with very random things and it seems to get the odd laugh.
Please feel free to contact me, you are more than welcome.
Sam :) xx